The Broken and Unloved

"The children who need love the most will show it in the most unloving of ways."

A quote so simple, yet so deeply profound.

Today, I told the kids I work with that I was leaving and Friday will be my very last day. I don't know if they really grasped the concept, because they just sat there in stunned silence - an impressive feat actually, since nine little boys are never truly silent. We will see how it sinks in.

Over the last two years, I've had several people ask me what I actually do. I always take a moment to pause and consider what people actually want to hear when they ask about my work. Do they want the truth? Or do they want a quick and easy box to stick my job in? There are two very different answers.

For the people who want quick and easy, I answer simply, "I work with kids." And they go about their merry way, confident in their ability to engage in small talk with another human being without getting into messy details.

But for those wanting to truly know, I tell them this, "I work at a psychiatric residential treatment facility for kids that have suffered abuse and trauma. Most of my kids are diagnosed with anger and behavior disorders and we [the staff] work to stabilize and rehabilitate them to go home. I'm essentially a pseudo-parent. "

People tend to shy away from that second answer. It's messy. It's ugly. It forces them to acknowledge some of the horrible things in life.

Fact: There are thousands of children in "the system" that have gone through the most horrible things either at the hands of their biological or adoptive families. These children are damaged and broken and need the stability of a safe and loving home to survive, yet have no where to go. Because no one wants the "bad kids."

Real talk. I'm gonna tell you about my job. Brace yourself. 

I work with kids who watched their parents and siblings get beaten to death. A kid who was found by CPS sitting naked on the floor of his mother's bedroom while she was in bed with a client, earning drug money. A kid that found his father's body after his dad committed suicide in the hotel bathroom. Kids that have been neglected, abused, held hostage, beaten, broken, molested, manipulated, and worse... the list of atrocities never ends. I've seen kids have PTSD flashbacks and cower in the corner as they remember what happened to them. I've held a kid tight as he sobbed over an absent mother. I have worked with kids that attacked their siblings, set the dog on fire, hid knives under the pillows, assaulted their parents, fought at school, killed sheep, were sexual predators to younger kids, that have been raped, that harm themselves in an effort to feel something. I work with kids society calls monsters, and claims there is no hope for them. I have been on the recieving end of their hatred and anger on a daily basis, because I was the one that was there.

I have been called every name in the book, plus a few more imaginative titles that haven't been mainstreamed. I have been hit, kicked, punched, bitten, scratched, spit on, pooped on, peed on, assaulted, threatened, and stabbed with a fork. I've had every single curse word known to man thrown in my face. I've been called bitch, whore, cunt, cocksucker, asshole, mother-fucker, and more by six and seven year-olds. I have come home with bruises and fallen into bed completely drained by the events of the day.

I have wrestled with my conscience, for wanting to be done and give up. To be just another person that has walked out on them. For thinking horrible things about them. And for brief moments, even hating them. I have cried in the bathroom, behind a locked door, due to stress. I have shouted in anger. I have been quick to judge. I have made a list of names I can never use for my future children due to particularly horrible experiences with certain kids.

But I have been there.

I was there. I saw the goodness. I saw the hope. I saw how beautifully resilient and transformative these kids can be. I let these "little monsters" into my life and gave them stability and safety. I showed them I cared. I cooked, cleaned, clothed, fed, taught, disciplined, and loved them. I held tiny hands, wiped runny noses, took temperatures, hemmed pants, checked homework, read stories, did crafts, laughed, played, sang, danced, and built forts. I took the pain and anger that was thrown in my face and told them it was okay. I was never perfect, but I was always there, and the kids knew it. They knew I would be there for them, no matter what. In the end, that's what matters.

This job will be one I never forget.

I know that the time has come to move on, but I also know - beyond a shadow of a doubt - that I was meant to be in this place for this time.

And despite all the things I've been through, after I broke the news that I was leaving, one of the kids did something I never expected. A kid who has hated me from the start, and who has done nothing but be rude and spiteful to me just because he could, called me to his room before I left, and handed me this...

For those that cannot make it out, it says this,
"Dear Ms Alsen, I am going to miss you. And I wish that I could have a new start with you but I can't. I am sorrey for evrey thang that I had done to you and now I relise that you or not mean - you or strict so you can help us and no matter what I will always remember you and I can't frgeve my self for wait i had done to you. i love you. Love for ever..." and the last page has bubbles with "You love us, You care, You ar nice, I will never frget you, I love you" and "You ar the star".

I would be lying if I said I didn't take this letter into the office, and immediately burst into tears. I went back after composing myself and hugged the kid. I told him I forgave him, and thanked him for the letter. Then we fist bumped on a promise to have a good last two days.

To all my kiddos at Uspiritus - thank you for being the amazing and incredible people that you are, and for giving me the opportunity to be part of your life, even if only for a short while. I will miss you. I will never forget you.

You changed my life.

Doors of Opportunity

In preparation for my upcoming role with Student Life this summer, I decided to browse the racks at LifeWay for a new book to use as a Bible study. I hit up the women's section - which was basically a giant glaring reminder that I am single, unwed, and childless - and took a sharp detour over to Christisn Growth. There are so many different ways to grow; grow in peace, grow in love, grow in financial stability, grow in trust, grow in faith... The list goes on and on. I'd pick up a book, read the synopsis, and find myself sighing and putting it back. Nothing seemed right.

As I was making my way to the end of an aisle, a bright, blue book caught my eye. John Ortberg's All The Places To Go practically leapt off the shelf and into my hands. I scanned the back and saw some buzzwords that definitely peaked my interest - Opportunity. Adventure. Challenge. 

Why, hello, God. I see what you did there.

Last post I talked about praying for opportunity and adventure, and suddenly there I was holding a book about those very things. I believe in signs; sometimes they are subtle, and sometimes they smack you in the face. Let's consider this one a smack. 

So I bought it... and a new Bible. 

My old Bible has been with me since Middle School. It is highlighted, personally annotated, stuffed with precious things, and weighs roughly 1000lbs. It is also the size of a country ham. I love my Bible, but for the sake of traveling I went for a sleeker, less ham-sized version of the Word. Plus, now I get to highlight anew and annotate new thoughts and fill with new precious things! New! New! New! 

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, new things have come! - 2 Corinthians 5:17

A new Bible, a new book, a new opportunity to live to life God has planned for me!

Let me tell ya, John Ortberg delivers.

 In fact, I think he wrote this book specifically for me. In the first chapter alone, he hit me with these truth bombs:

"God has placed divine opportunity in your life... an open door. An open door is the great adventure of life because it means the possibility of being useful to God. "

"To fail to embrace the open door is to miss the work God has made for us to do."

"God's primary will for your life is not the achievements you accrue, it is the person you become."

Talk about an inspirational jumpstart! 

My favorite verse has always been Proverbs 16:9, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." That verse, for a multitude of reasons, has always jumped out at me and held fast in my heart as constant reminder that God is in control. I can have all the plans and ideas on the world, but the Lord is calling the shots. Which, to be honest, is probably a good thing. I feel like He's got a much better handle on this thing we call life, seeing as how He created all life and everything else. This book is shedding a whole new light on the verse so dear to my heart. 

An all powerful God - one who created the universe and everything in it - cares enough about me and my insignificant existence, to plan the steps of my life and send opportunities for me to follow him. Divine Opportunities are placed before each and every one of us. We are given a choice: to stay and be comfortable or to go and experience what God has planned. 

Following God is the adventure of a lifetime.

Are you ready?

*cue Indiana Jones theme music*

Come to The Table

Jesus replied, "I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry again. Whoever believes in me will never be thirsty." - John 6:35

Two years ago on this very day I boarded a plane in Orlando and headed home after being medically debarked from the Disney Dream. I was emotionally drained, physically exhausted, and suffering from extreme stress and anxiety. My last contract chewed me up, spit me out, and left pieces cracked and broken inside.

I lost my Spark.

Granted, I'm an actress. I can fake the spark if need be, and did a pretty good job for a while. I got a new job, moved to a new city, made new friends... I moved on.

But the Spark - that little thing that drives your ambitions, fuels your dreams, and gives you purpose - was gone. I smiled for pictures and laughed at jokes, but the humor never reached my eyes. I dove into the rut of day-to-day routine, and settled.

I settled.

Settling can be a dangerous thing.

But then, God intervened. His intervention came in the form of a co-worker's comment about the two of us being "lifers".

That word - "lifer" - felt like fire in my veins. It shocked my system. The Spark crackled, caught, and began to glow. Could I spend the rest of my life in this rut? Did I want to? What was I doing? Was this it? What about my adventures? What about my dreams? What about my life?

I went home that night and did something I hadn't done in a while. I prayed.

It was nothing fancy. I didn't use big words or flowering sentiments. I was just laying in bed, about to go to sleep, when I decided it was time to "Let Go and Let God" - a phrase I'd heard so many times it seems almost unreal. The idea of being able to "let go" of whatever issues are too much for you and "let God" handle them and guide the way. From that night on, I made it a goal to spend some time everyday talking to God and praying for guidance.

I began job searching.

Three months later, there it was. Something I'd always thought about doing, but never seemed to catch at the right time to apply. Student Life Camps.

I remember going to the camps when I was in high school and loving every minute. I was incredibly lucky to have once-in-a-lifetime speakers and worship leaders - Erwin McMannus/Charlie Hall and Louie Giglio/Chris Tomlin - but the thing I remember most was the Drama Team, All Things to All People (AT2AP). I remember watching the actors and actresses on stage and thinking, I can do that!

I also remember something Erwin McMannus said, that will God-willing never leave my mind again - "It is more important to live a life worth living than to be comfortable in your surroundings."

I was comfortable. I had an apartment, a full time job with benefits, a steady income, and almost no debt... and I was miserable.

I was miserable, because I was not following the call God placed on my life. I was hungry for adventure and challenge, thirsty for creativity and purpose.  I was being called to do more, let go of comfort, and follow. But I spent two years, shut up in my apartment, covering my ears like a spoiled child and licking the wounds of my cracked and broken spirit. I thought I could do it all on my own. I had stopped trusting God. I had stopped talking to God. I lost my Spark, because I lost sight of my faith. I allowed the hurt to overpower the Healer.

Thankfully, God is bigger. So much bigger. He sees me as I am - a stubborn, imperfect person - and loves me still.

Jesus calls us to follow Him. Are we brave enough to go?

I believe everything happens for a reason. God sent the word "lifer" to me through my co-worker. He led me to the Student Life page at the right time. He guided my application and audition process. He is guiding me still. He re-ignited my Spark. He put me back together and called me to go.

So, I took a chance. I applied for a temporary summer job as an act of faith. I chose to give up the comfort and safety of a rut-lifestyle and leap into the unknown.

I am proud to say that I will be spending this summer as an Actor for Student Life.

When this adventure is over, I have no idea what I'm going to do. I will essentially be unemployed and homeless.

But my God is bigger. He has a plan, and for the first time in years, I am not worried. I am not stressed. I am following the call. Whatever happens, God is leading the way. He's got my Spark and won't let it go.

God calls us to come to the proverbial table of Life, for He is the Bread of Life and the Living Water. Whoever comes to him will never be hungry or thirsty again.

Are you ready to sit down and eat?

I know I am.